God Save the Sweet Potato Queens
Contents
Title Page
Dedication
1 God Save the Queens!
2 Aftershocks
3 Promises, Promises
4 My Hors Are Moning
5 A Pot to Priss In
6 Wishing Is Not a Felony
7 I’ll Get You, My Pretty
8 No, It’s a Hole in the Head We Don’t Need
9 Dating for the Advanced or Advancing
10 Marriage—If You Must
11 Sex, Fritos, and the Talking Vagina
12 What to Do When the Rabbit Dies
13 Divorce, Dating Again, and Revirgination
14 How to Be a Girl
15 Guys Ain’t Girls
16 Civil Rights, Body Hair, and Other Delicate Matters
17 Vacations: His and Hers
18 More Death-Defying Recipes
19 The Time Is Now
20 Matters of the Heart
Acknowledgments
Glossary of Sweet Potato Queen Terms
Other books by Jill Conner Browne
Copyright Page
It is with my deepest, heartfelt gratitude that I dedicate this book to
JoAnne Prichard Morris,
gentlest of editors, dearest of friends, for her faith, her vision, her guidance, her love, and to the precious memory of her most beloved husband,
Willie Morris,
the best friend a fledgling writer could ever hope for, the most unbelievably generous, uncommonly sweet man—a gift, a blessing to my life.
1
God Save the Queens!
It is a warm, sunny day in the South—only March 18 in the year 2000, but already the azaleas have gone wild. At approximately one-thirty P.M. we are a half hour into the eighteenth annual Mal’s St. Paddy’s Parade in Jackson, Mississippi. The streets are thronged! Tens of thousands of people, all with a single mission: to see us, the Sweet Potato Queens! Nowhere is the crowd thicker or more urgent than in front of the Governor’s Mansion (now again inhabited by a governor we like). Our float pulls even with the Buckethead Judges reviewing stand, directly in front of the Mansion, and stops. Silence. The crowd is hushed and positively quivering with anticipation. Out of giant speakers rolls forth the booming voice of Jackson State University’s Dr. Jimmie James, but it sounds like the voice of God.
Ladies and gentlemen! Fine-tune your sensory apparatus for the acme and pinnacle in the most incredible and exquisite sights and sounds found in any performance anytime and anywhere! For it’s the utmost, the most impressionable, the susceptible, the sentient, and the most acute performing aggregation you have ever witnessed.
Fans, judges, and slavishly adoring subjects—as you observe, this aggregation has reached the new millennium on time! You are witnessing the grace, the agility, the fluidity, the most perfected showmanship and the eccentricity of a most prodigious, immense, and outstanding bevy of buxom beauties that are a technological phenomenon in their own right. These precious, pert paragons of pulchritude have even given new direction to the Internet and the Y2K phenomenon! You are observing the pinnacle in showmanship with an exclusive show designed for only the superior in mind! It is filled with continuity, balance, flexibility, systematic planning, and relevance!
Mal’s St. Paddy’s Day Parade proudly presents for your ultimate viewing pleasure, the quintessence of contemporary sounds and maneuvers, the summa cum laude of womankind, Jackson’s own titillating assets—the incomparable Sweet Potato Queens!
The crowd, including the Buckethead Judges and the mob on the mansion lawn, has gone completely mad. With the 20th Century-Fox fanfare blaring, the door to our float is slowly opened by our consort and love slave, Lance Romance, and out we come. Just when the fans think they are about to ascend directly unto heaven, Aretha comes over the mega–sound system—“R-E-S-P-E-C-T”—and our gyrations and pelvic thrusts push them over the brink into a frothing frenzy. We immediately blast into one of our hallmark performances, the song that asks the big question: “Who wrote the Book of Love?” To which everybody here knows the answer—WE DID!
Then we do something never before witnessed in the entire history of the parade: We get off the float. Our little boots touching the actual ground, we prance ourselves back through the lineup—past our children, the Tater Tots; past our mothers, the Queen Mothers and Used-to-Bes; past our best friends in the whole world, who we love more than life, but not quite enough to make them actual Queens, the Wannabes; all the way back to the newest stars in our ever-growing entourage, the Wannabe Wannabes, hundreds and hundreds of luscious ladies from all across the land, who flew, drove, hitchhiked, and chartered buses to Jackson, Mississippi. And Jackson has never been more proud.
Ever since the publication of The Sweet Potato Queens’ Book of Love, we have been inundated with cards, letters, gifts, e-mails, and all manner of other beseechments from people all over this country and beyond, who believed that their continued survival might—but any hope for happiness did certainly—hinge on the possibility that they, too, might be able to partake of the Queenly life. The very first such plea came from a most surprising source. Kaye Gibbons, the widely known, much-lauded—and deservedly so—real writer sent to Johnny Evans, owner of one of the best bookstores in the entire world, Lemuria in Jackson, a handwritten fax marked, “URGENTO!” She had tried unsuccessfully to reach me personally and in desperation just fired off a fax to Johnny in hopes that he could locate me quickly to relay her frantic message, which, in the most plaintive tones, said, “I want her to make me a Sweet Potato Queen. My life used to revolve around mounds of oyster stuffing at Thanksgiving. Now, having learned the true art of queenly living, my world is a vision of myself with big hair, waving, smiling, on the back of a convertible. . . . If I am not a Queen, I’ll cut my throat.” Her missive was only the tip of what is proving to be a very large iceberg indeed.
I began receiving what amounted to applications and résumés from supplicants. Ann from Baton Rouge, Louisiana, sent her list of credentials: “dropped out of a sorority before I ever got pledged, love to dance though rather spastic at it, fall into the category of ‘those of us who have about four hairs on our head’ so I would love to wear a big-hair wig, could perfect the queenly wave within a matter of hours if motivated and well-trained, can get over any trace of self-consciousness (necessary for the pelvic thrusting and other suggestive gyrations) with just a small amount of alcohol, have a select group of truly succulent women friends whom I could mobilize into an SPQ chapter within a matter of moments, recently gave up a career as a lawyer (to be a realtor), because it allows me to sleep later and rarely requires panty hose, and have survived two failed marriages in the last nine years, proving great resilience (and now that I know about the Five Men I Need in My Life at All Times, feel quite prepared to shop for husband number three).”
The Million Queen March
The Wannabe Wannabes are women—and men—who had written to me after reading SPQBOL. I answer all e-mails, and when I wrote these wonderful folks back, I invited them to come to the parade in Jackson in March. More and more and more of them started writing back that they were indeed coming, so many of them, in fact, that we started calling it the Million Queen March. They came and they came and they came. They filled up hotels, they filled up restaurants—especially Hal and Mal’s—for days. Jim Dollarhide, the official cinematographer to the Sweet Potato Queens, spent several days at the Edison Walthall Hotel in downtown Jackson, just riding the elevator up and down, interviewing and filming Wannabe Wannabes. (The video is available on our Web site—www.sweetpotatoqueens.com
We had a big party for them all at Hal and Mal’s on Friday night before the parade. Saying
we were unprepared for the numbers is, well—what would you do if you turned on the bathtub faucet and Niagara Falls spewed forth? They came from near ’bout everywhere—New York, Connecticut, Massachusetts, Maryland, West Virginia, North and South Carolina, Georgia, Alabama, Florida, Tennessee, Texas, Louisiana, Missouri, Arkansas, Colorado, California, North Dakota even. We think this is significant. I mean, it is one thing for someone in North Dakota to find, buy, read, and like a book about a bunch of crazy women in Mississippi—that’s pretty special in itself. But for that person then to take time off from work; buy plane tickets, hotel rooms, and food; conceive, design, and manufacture costumes; and convince their friends to do it with them, just to come to Jackson, Mississippi, of all places, in order to dress up funny and walk down the street with a bunch of other crazy women, well, we think this tells us a whole lot about these folks. Namely that they are highly motivated, easily led to the better things in life, and have a disposable income, possibly too much time on their hands, and an unquenchable zest for living. And man alive, were we ever glad to see them! For one thing, it gave us great leverage and credibility here in our hometown: See? It’s not just us—there are a lot of other crazy, fun-infected folks out there! And by the way, we have invited them all here, and whaddya know? They all came!
Everyone was invited to come dressed as the Queen of Whatever They Chose and march in the parade. We had the Queens of Crude, the Blue Margarita Queens, several factions of Turnip Green Queens (we feared there might be an altercation, but all went smoothly), the Pink Flamingo Queens, the Florida Navel Orange Queens (they threw oranges and had a motto: Keep Your Navel Queen), the Missouri Ozark Raspberry Queens (picture giant Carmen Miranda–type headdresses), the Peach Pit Queens, the Ghouly Girls, the Cabbage Queens, the Princesses, the No-Regrets Majorettes, the Honeybee Queens, the Brazen Strumpets, the Menopause Mafia—to name just a few. I know whoever I left out will be pissed off big time, and I apologize right here and now and will find a way to make it up to you next parade, I promise. Sonny Gilmore at Crosshaven Books in Birmingham, Alabama, chartered a bus and brought fifty-three Wannabe Wannabes to march. He said he had such a waiting list, he’s already reserved three buses for next year. I call that one brave man. One group from Lakeland, Florida, had T-shirts made that read: “To hang with us—you gotta be a hip-hopping, gum-popping, forever-shopping, margarita-drinking, fun-loving, chocolate-craving, out-a-pocket, road-tripping, promise-making royal pain in the patootie!”
Well, now, that reflects our sentiments eggzackly. Those women who came, and the four jillion e-mails, cards, and letters we’ve gotten, indicate to us that we have struck a deep, harmonic, universal chord—that, in fact, it isn’t just us and there are literally millions of people out there who either are just like us or certainly aspire to be just like us, and they are desperately seeking opportunities and, more important, leadership. This is where I come in. Because, as you know, I am not just a Sweet Potato Queen—I am the Sweet Potato Queen, Boss of all the Sweet Potato Queens, and as such I have, in my opinion, done very well by my charges: provided excellent leadership and elevated them to an exalted position of power and status, which is, of course, their rightful position in this life, and I do believe with virtually no more effort on my part, I can do the same for all of you. There’s nothing to this Queen business really—just do like I tell you and you’ll be fine. I promise.
A Fabulous Journey
To a great extent this book presupposes that you have read The Sweet Potato Queens’ Book of Love. It is not an absolute necessity, but it would help, so go do that now if you haven’t already. I am not going to retell all that stuff just to save you twelve bucks.
When we embarked on our careers as Sweet Potato Queens way back in 1982, we had no idea how far we would take it—or it would take us. As always, we just wanted to have fun, and we used what we had on hand to make it, which, quite often, was just what we happened to have between our ears.
We were all such Cute Girls back then. Cute Girls: redundant. Girls are like puppies—they’re all cute. It takes years of hard work, dedication, and skill, however, to become Fabulous Women. And make no mistake about it, we have worked long and hard and damn near constantly, too, to become the Sweet Potato Queens, arguably the most Fabulous Women currently living. We would certainly argue that point. My big old dictionary defines fabulous this way: “of or like a fable, legendary, hard to believe, incredible, astounding, very good and/or wonderful.” Well, that certainly describes us perfectly. We are all that and then some.
My goal will be to show you the Sweet Potato Queens as we have progressed from mere Cute Girl status to our current and ongoing Fabulous Women state so that if you are yourself currently a Cute Girl, you might be spared some time-consuming steps in your own process. If, on the other hand, you are past that stage but don’t feel that you are making any real headway in pursuit of Fabulous Womanhood, then this might be just the nudge you’ve been needing. My sister Judy thinks that some people are too far gone to hope to achieve Fabulous in this life but this just might elevate them to Adequate. A strong believer in redemption, I could not bring myself to agree with her. Suffice it to say that in all of us, there is room for improvement. We offer this book toward that end.
We feel that we can offer lots of advice regarding misspent youth. Having devoted ourselves so utterly to misspending our own personal youths, who is better qualified to teach you how to misspend yours? And fear not, if your youth has already passed without any misspending on your part, we can also teach you to misspend your middle age. That part is even fresher in our minds, since it is what we are doing currently. We like to think of the process as Building an Inventory of Good Stories to Tell in the Nursing Home. With just what we now have on hand, we are assured of being the most popular girls in the home. (Of course, being Southern, we will refer to ourselves as “girls” throughout eternity—we know what we mean.)
Today, whenever we are faced with choosing whether to do something outrageous or something predictable and boring—well, we don’t even have to stop and think about it very often anymore. Unless there is the threat of being sent to the penitentiary and/or losing custody of our children, we pretty much just wade on in up to our necks in whatever the foolishness du jour happens to be. We think that’s good advice for you as well. Occasionally there may be some other consequence that is slightly inconvenient or even mildly unpleasant, but if they’re not taking away our kids and putting us in the Big House, we think it’s worth the risk just to avoid being boring, not only right this minute, but also in the nursing home. You’ve got to consider your future. You don’t have to do diddly-squat to get older—matter of fact, you can’t even avoid that; but getting smarter—now, that can be a bitch if you try to go it alone.
One of the Queens, Tammy, used to spend summers at her beloved aunt Mary’s house. Aunt Mary, it seems, had a live parrot in a cage, and Tammy was mesmerized by this bit of exotica in the Mississippi Delta. She would stand endlessly in front of the bird’s cage until finally, unable to resist the temptation any longer, she would stick her finger through the wires of the cage, whereupon the bird, each and every time, would bite her finger, and Tammy would stand there, each and every time, with her finger in the bird’s beak, shrieking, “Aunt Mary! Your bird’s biting me again!” To this very day, Tammy is wont to repeat ill-advised behaviors multiple times, with the same undesirable results. We have been through this drill with her so often that now, instead of going into lengthy discussions about what she did again, and what happened after that again, we have a shorthand for it that saves us all a lot of time. We simply say, “Hmmm. Aunt Mary’s bird is biting you again, I see.”
Barbara Williams wrote to me to say that she herself was “older” and had suffered a broken back somewhere in her travels, but now she only wears her brace when she wants to sucker people into giving her extra help with stuff. For instance, it got her bumped up in the line at the bookstore when she was buying multiple copies of SPQBOL to s
end to friends (bless her heart), and the salesgirl (emphasis on girl: really young) looked at the title and made some light comment that she hadn’t read it yet but she’d always liked sweet potatoes. Well, our Barbara just snorted and told the little whatsit to read the book and find out what a blow job can really do for you, and with that she tottered on out of the store in her back brace, leaving stunned young persons in her wake. I am so proud.
We don’t want to be those pitiful old ladies who sit in the corner nibbling on small bits of paper, never joining in any activities, never receiving visitors, never sleeping with the male residents. Nosirree, not us, we plan to be exactly like we are right now—only a whole lot older. People will be fighting to get into our nursing home, wanting to come before they’re even old enough to be there.
Back when we were mere Cute Girls, we thought a man was the answer to everything. We thought we had to have one, the one, Mr. Right, before we could even begin to live. We had to have a date, then we had to have a boyfriend, then we had to have a husband. Nothing would do till we got Mr. Right. Then, for some of us—too many—there came a time of being not so much disillusioned as just really pissed off big time. During this time, we still thought a man was the answer to everything. Only now everything that was wrong was because of a man. We thought he was the bringer of all things bad in our lives, and we were so mad about it that perhaps for a time we believed all men were the bringers of all things bad.
Now that we are within easy spittin’ distance of fifty—or as our friend Ray Lee says, “somewhere between forty and death”—we can see that there’s nothing wrong with men in general—even specifically. Most of them are just fine. Really. And while we don’t want them to be the sole reason for living (nor us for them), we don’t want to run them all off with a stick either. We hope we have learned a few things about choice-making. We’ll share some of our hard-learned lessons with you as well as some of our cunning solutions to relationship problems.